Ugh… It’s been a long, long couple of months. I finally got through the end of the semester by what feels like the skin of my teeth. I’m behind on my internship hours and feeling so exhausted and unaccomplished.. But is that me or the depression talking?
Sorry, it’s been a long time since I’ve written for my blog and I feel like this might just be a stream of consciousness sort of thing. But I just keep thinking, am i the only person who feels so overworked and unfulfilled that I can’t even find enjoyment in my hobbies anymore? Surely I’m not the only one. Now that I’m on break, I find myself a little overwhelmed with the free time that I was not used to having these last few months.. or even really over the last year.
Since the end of the semester I went from working 60+ hours a week (not including studying) back down to my normal 40 hours a week job. While I’m relieved, I also feel a bit…. lost. And I didn’t expect this, but I kind of miss my internship. It gave me a sense of meaning and purpose, like I was actually doing something useful rather than just editing websites and pushing paper around. It’s weird to feel relief, freedom, anxiety, and a little bit of emptiness all at the same time. But I guess it confirms for me that I’m really meant to be a counselor, despite the hard road it’s been to get to this point. Now all that’s left is one more semester and my comprehensive exams.
In light of my situation with my internship hours, I made a difficult decision to put in my two weeks notice at my full time job first thing in February. I didn’t want to get a loan or borrow money from family, but my mom is generous enough to lend me the money to get through one last semester (in addition to the savings I have for this very sort of sticky situation). In this time I plan to focus on my internship, rest, and study. I’m really, really excited for this time, but I’m also a little bit scared.
As you might already be able to tell, I don’t do well with free time. I find it pretty hard to structure my own time outside of work, with hobbies all feeling very empty and worthless. I struggle with many feelings of not being good enough, and that has kept me from doing my own creative hobbies for quite a while now. I have many guitars, a keyboard, and a drum set – all of which I rarely touch any more because I can’t stand how awful I sound. I have stamps, paints, and crafting tools galore – but I find it too hard to sit down and make cards because I hate everything I put together. These thoughts kill my motivation to do anything, and yet there I am, left with more free time than I know what to do with.
Which leaves me to ruminate. Which is so not good, especially for someone with depression. I don’t exactly know why I’m telling you guys this out on the wide web, except to say that maybe getting it out and using the blog that I paid good money for might help.
I’m slowly trying to structure my own time better. Bit by bit, I’m convincing myself to do my hobbies. I just have to make myself tolerate my own humanity and imperfection – what a task. In the meantime I’ll try to enjoy my break, and remind myself how blessed I am to be able to take a break from working so I can pursue my actual dream – becoming a counselor and helping others.